the school on the paper.

NOTE: This is a super old post. Just found it in my drafts.

what do you do when you’re jealous? serious. i feel quite jealous now. don’t ask me why when i have had my fair share of ups. i just hate this whole system. youre only good if you do the cliche stuff. go the way everyone expects you to go. sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i did what everyone expected me to do.would i then have been accepted by my friends, teachers etc?yes.i am sure i would have.they would have deemed me as worthy and making the right choice.going the right way.maximising my potential.i just feel like crying to think i have done so much,they have done so much and now that i have not done one thing they wished i had,i go.i’m suddenly pushed out of the picture.no longer recognised.you suck you know that?it was all an act wasn’t it?just to get you to look good you used me.then i made a ‘mistake’ and you scrapped me.in the end its got nothing to with us.its just about the institution i tell you.come into my shoes and you’ll see the truth.nothing about it.just pride.they ain’t helping you.you gotta help yourself.so do it.just do it.don’t listen to them.you gotta push yourself for God .not for any other human being.even a place like that.they ain’t the real ones looking for the real thing for you.

Perspective

NOTE: This is a super old post. Just found it in my drafts.

Wow. Seriously church was wonderful today. The songs of praise was really good and relevant to the sermon which was about faith. Uncles Stephen spoke. 3 parts: Bases of faith, barriers of faith and crisis and faith. Especially coming from him it spoke to me. After all he and his family has been through, I really can see that faith in every circumstance is possible. Just like Hudson Taylor. He had faith. After going to China as a missionary he had to bury 5 out of 10 of his children and his first wife. He died there eventually. But through all of that he didn’t lose his faith in Christ. Like Uncle Stephen pointed out, no servant is greater than his master therefore why should we expect not to go through any suffering let alone the worst suffering we could possibly think of? There was loads more that he talked about. Will post the links to the notes when I get the link. It all has to do with perspective doesn’t it? If we get the right perspective and know how able our God is then problems and trials around us would not seem so big. Why? Cos our God is way bigger than all of our situations put together! I’m not saying not to worry but hey, he can do it, so put it at his feet. Surrender to him!

guarded.

It has taken me this long to realise it. But I think I have pretty much figured it all out now. It was all an act. Yes, an act.

I’d love to believe it. I’d love to believe a lot of things. But I know that in this world it is highly impossible. That’s real sad.

I figured that the reason I was crushed was because I was trying to guard my own heart. I was trying to protect myself. But if it’s me against this world, then I am doomed. No matter how careful, or distant, or cold I try to be, I will eventually get really hurt or I will stop loving. And I do not wish for either.

So how should it have been? My heart should have been guarded by Jesus. That’s what would have kept me safe. The thing is, Jesus guards my heart only for as long and as much as I let him. But this I know, if I choose to have him guard my heart from the devil and all this world has to offer, whoever wants to get to my heart will have to go through him. Just like the boy/man who wishes to be personally involved in the matters of my heart will have to go through my family and friends. No, I am not saying that with Him as the guardian of my heart I will never be hurt by this world but rather that when I am hurt (which will be minimized) He will be so much closer to help me through it all. Whoever He lets close to my heart will be there to play a part in protecting my heart from this world and all it has to offer. No, Jesus does not NEED someone to help Him protect me, He just provides this opportunity for the excercising of brotherly and sisterly love in Christ Jesus. He could jolly well protect His own creation. Man is not vital to him when it comes to handling the world He created.

In the same way, I pray that when Jesus lets me into the heart of another person, I will be able to help protect him/her.

Come and make my heart Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.
Search me through and through ’till my heart becomes a home for You.
A home for You, Lord.
A home for You, Lord.
Let everything I do open up,
A door for You to come through,
And that my heart would be a place where You want to be.

amyruthxxoo

all i ever wanted.

i give up. i have to let it all out now. there’s no way i’m keeping it. so much has happened. so many questions. so many thoughts.

gramps left almost 2 weeks ago. peacefully in his sleep. half way around the world. i haven’t really cried about it yet. it’s all inside. do you have any idea just how much it sucks to be so far away from all of this? mummy went over a few days before he left. daddy left about a week ago. i hate being stuck here. when people i love are over there hurting and i dont have a chance to be there. it sucks. it hurts. i just can’t describe it.

and yet i can’t cry about it. i don’t dare cry in front of others. or maybe i don’t want to. you tell me. am i becoming heartless? proud?

he never ate hot toast. he let it cool on his napkin ring. he bought flowers for granny in secret and she called him ‘naughty gramps’. he poked and showed us things on walks with his walking stick. he was ultra neat and organized. he was patient and told me where i had gone wrong in varnishing the photoframes. he only wore one signet ring on his little finger and always wore a sweater over his checkered shirts. i remember holding his hands on our walks. it was always so gentle. and how he would fall asleep in front of the tv and suddenly open his eyes when we all looked at him. the tea he always had with one teaspoon of honey. his ginger marmalade. how he didn’t like chocolate. haha.

and now? i don’t know. how do you keep memories and leave it at that? is that all? is that seriously all we can do?

the way he used to say hello on the phone. i remember it. it rings in my ears even now.

i wanted to be there. that’s all i wanted.

clown..

Clown

Ralph McTell

The lights have gone dim, and the people are gone.
And clown goes back into his caravan.
Hangs up his smile on a hook by the door
And lets his ragged coat slip to the floor.
With the sound of the children’s laughter
Still ringing in his ears.
Laughing ’cause they’re happy,
They laugh to hide their fears.
Clown loves the children
For, like him, they fear.
The world does not exist tonight,
And only the circus,
Only the circus is real.

As real as the elephants that trumpet in the ring.
Real like the trapeze, see it swing.
Real like the man who eats real fire,
Real like the lady on the high wire.

But the people have gone, his identity gone.
Clown peeps through he window of his caravan.
From the trees on the common
The town looks so small.
Clown puts on his coat and goes out the door.
And the distant neon lights
They shine above the town.
“It’s almost like a circus”, thinks clown.
Then half with fear
And half with delight,
Shivering, shaking.
Clown stands laughing,
Clown stands laughing,
Clown is laughing at the night.

<33 amyruth.

faithfulness never ending

He will never change. ((: Thank you that you are so faithful when we are so faithless at times.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

thank you.

If you were falling, then I would catch you. You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cos I love the way you say good morning. And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater. Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cos I love the way you call me baby. And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair. Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cos I love you more than I could ever promise. And you take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am. You take me the way I am.

amyruth.-

growin’ up.

quipp

it’s raining cats and dogs outside. i wish i could just stand outside in the rain and soak it all in. had a relaxed morning sorting out more stuff for the move and after lunch headed out to bbdc for the btp. didn’t remember it was so short! so i managed to finish 3 tests real slipshot. oh well. i think the evaluation will be okay. lets see if i have the mood to go back and do more papers. then had a rather quiet ride home and it just got my mind moving. went to laurels (the shop in my estate) and bought food. i guess when i’m down i tend to spend money on food. now the food is sitting in my room. a few items i just want to mention here. they all evoke memories in me.

1. florida natural fruit juice nuggets

2. dough balls from campus deli

3. bitter chocolate

4. calvin and hobbes

5. cookies with choc chips, a touch of cinnamon and brown sugar

6. driving lessons

yup.

anyway. just a quick update, i am taking a break from baracudas for a term and i think that will include this coming week’s preformance. is a good move.

FAIZNUR! SAYANG!! i love you so much. thanks for always being there. thanks for telling me the things i never wanted to face. it was exactly what i needed. (((((:

amyruth-.

ps. now i know why people like to cry in the rain. it hides all the tears.

too late.

Apologize [Timbaland] 

I’m holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I’m hearin what you say but I just can’t make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you’re sorry
Didn’t think I’d turn around, and say…

It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late

I’d take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it’s nothin new – yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it’s turning blue, and you say…
“Sorry” like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I’m afraid…

It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late

It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
It’s too late to apologize, yeah
I said it’s too late to apologize, yeah-
I’m holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground…

you can watch/listen to his song on my friendster profile. yup-dee-doo.

amyruth-.